n.
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
I don't want to lose you two. You're very important to me, and we all know that. I think it's just that with such little time we three have with each other, is seems as though we're rushed into catching each other up or telling our urgent circumstances, and I want to be more relaxed than that. I also feel as though you two are less pressured because you have several classes (four, right?) together, and I just have lunch (which yes I do spend most of them with Mitch). So I feel as though I have so little time with you two, and the reason I don't talk is because I want to hear you two talk. I want to know what's happened, what's changed, what you think. I want to know; I already know what's going on with me, I want to know what you're up to.
And I am sorry, with many things besides this, that when I'm the subject of conversation that generally translates into me and Mitch. I love talking about him, and I want to tell you two what's going on between us. Believe me, I have no one else to talk to about it, but I also want to talk about myself. I think all three of us want to talk about ourselves.
That brings me to Jessica. I love her, I love her to death, but I can't understand why she finds the opinions of others SO important. This balance that she wants, between everything, even impossible things, can be so aggravating to listen to. Not because I don't want to reassure her, but because I don't think she should need reassurance. She is beautiful, I'm envious of her, in many ways, and I hate that she can't appreciate herself more. I've come to grips with who I am, and who I am not, and I want her to do the same. I don't want her to stress about whether she flaunts herself or not - she does; she's very sociable and that's something that I first was intimidated by (when I first met her) and I've grown to be so envious of it. She can just walk into a room and command the attention of everyone. She can be so free around people - around many of our guy friends too - and I wish I could do that. So when I hear her ask whether she's 'flaunting herself' that's almost an insult to this radiance she has.
And Sally, she's spent so much time trying to coax Jessica out of these silly worries that she has so little time to speak about herself. I understand that she's private; I can appreciate that and I try to respect it as much as I consciously can. Sally definitely talks about herself, I'm not saying that isn't true, but - and I suppose this goes for Jessica too - there's been less and less really deep talk between. One thing I can't understand is how scared or against it they are. Being honest - with Mitch, and with myself - has liberated me so much. I've learned so much about myself by just accepting who I am.
I enjoy having power over others. Maybe 'over' isn't the right word. I like being able to get inside a person and sort things out, or take things out. Like with Mitch, ever since that Friday so long ago when he confessed so much to me, I was thinking the entire time - I need to know more, even if I can't solve any of it, I need to know more. And I couldn't solve any of it. I knew that then and I know it now. I just accepted it, everything. I didn't make up some phony line of denial or try to create a solution. I just told him everything would be alright. Don't worry. Everything will be alright.
So when I see my friends, the two people I care more about than any others, unwilling to share innermost feelings I feel like we've lost something. There's something we're not going to be able to get. But trust is strong. I'll trust them, even just the fact that we all love each other. All three of us.
1 comment:
Ok. You want me to be honest? Ok, honesty.
I get annoyed when you sit back and stare and at me or Jessica when we are talking and then say you're listening when we try to include you. That's why I'm private. I know it's not entirely fair, you shouldn't be obligated to say anything if you don't want to but get this Sej: we can't read your mind. And what's more, why should I bother to talk about myself if you're not even going to say anything in return? Since when is it a necessity for me to spill my guts every time we all hang out? I actually want to hear what's going on inside your head for once. And talking doesn't mean you have to talk about yourself. I don't mind it when you talk about yourself but if you don't want to there are other things you can relate the conversation to.
You don't have wait until you have some wise profound statement to utter before opening your mouth.
And if you feel all this, could you please say it to us rather than posting it on your blog? I mean I know sometimes it takes a while to sort out one's thoughts and maybe you were planning on saying all this once it was worked out but would it kill you just to pipe up for once?
And yes Jessica does spend far too much time worrying about herself image. And yes we do talk a bit more because we have 2 classes together. (3 if you count band). She's heard it from me like a million times, it doesn't matter what I say, she has to figure it out for herself. Maybe if you said what you thought she'd actually listen.
I miss normal relaxed conversation also. I don't really think we need to have heart-to-hearts every time we hang out. But here's the thing about listening: it's more than just sitting back and hearing what people say.
I wasn't going to post this at all but now that I've typed it out I might as well. I hate communicating this way.
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